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Do metal guitarists have bigger genitals than the average musician?

Written by Tommy, December 2003

ave your favourite metal reviewer lost it completely now, you might ask? Is the size of metal guitarists private parts really a subject for an article? After having been exposed to undisputable evidence the past weekend during a long session watching metal dvd's, the answer is - absolutely!

t all began when my girlfriend, who is not normally a metalfan but instead just a few months old as a newcomer to this genre, pointed out loud what I actually had noticed myself long ago but never really given much deeper thought, since it is a fact that always have been there under my nose my whole metal life: metal guitarists - guitar and bass - stand with their legs very far apart while performing their stringbending activities. They usually start in a posture like any normal man during an intro or build-up of the song, but when the mainriff hits in or the drums set the mark for the pounding part of the song, than those legs are being spread faster than Yngwie plays the first 10 notes of Vivaldi's "Spring". It all started with beholding Henny Wolter of Primal Fear having a special love for letting air sweeping in between the old ding-dong, which is a behaviour that is often repeated by his colleagues Mat Sinner and even Ralf Scheepers doing the vocals.

ith this in mind it is nearly impossible to view a metal concert without seeing those limbs spread wide as soon as those first licks and riffs start rain over us, almost as there is a unwritten law or mandatory need to air the regions of the family jewels. With the airport scene from the movie Spinal Tap in mind you can suspect that there may be a lot of filling up with tube socks and other textils in that area to give the impression of an untamed armadillo dwelling underneath, and in that case you can understand if it gets a bit sweaty under the surface. The examples are many from different genres represented: Hammerfall, Dio, U.D.O., Saxon, Iced Earth to name a few of the bands I have studied the past weekend.

hat is otherwise, if this is not the case, the main reason for this spreading behaviour? Is the answer as simple and boring as "it is steadier and gives more support to fully concentrate on putting power behind the riffs", or are there deeper and more serious meanings behind this? Is it instead a fact that these musicians are more genourously equiped compared to for example pop musicians or people involved in the disco or hiphop business? Janick Gers of Iron Maiden, to take another example, is very much and often in favour of resting his left leg high on the amplifier at the side of the stage while playing, almost as he wants to take away pressure from other parts of the body and "shake loose".

here is one person in the metal scene that has a pose that until todays date is unprecedented in the scene. That is Erno Vuorinen of Nighthwish , who stand with an equivalent of almost his whole bodylenght apart (in his case not long counted in centimeters, but still.....). This man takes every prize, and it should be nearly impossible to beat him without actually going down on your knees.

he reason for this behaviour and the truth of my theory is yet to be proved - perhaps we will never know. Feel free to contribute with your own thoughts in this matter.

Tommy - December 2003